Identifying What We Really Want

What do you want your relationship to be?  Is your relationship exactly the way you want it to be?  Are there things you would like to be different? 

When we want particular things (ex. more time together, more romantic moments, not being so messy, wanting more of a committment, not fighting so much) we focus on those things we don’t have and often don’t have any real control over and we feel bad. 

But it’s not really those things that we want, it’s a particular feeling we are after.  And when we start to focus on feeling differently, we notice things change in our relationship.

Here’s a way to start:

1.  Write down all the things you’d like to be different in your relationship.

2.  Beside each item, write what you think you would feel if you had each thing.

3.  Focus on the feeling and start to feel it as much as you can…with or without anything else changing and see what you notice.


Thing I want:  I want to spend more time together.  

What I think I will feel:  more loved, happier, secure, important

Today:  I will focus on feeling happy and looking for all the ways I can and do feel happy.  Then I will continue on to feel love, then look for ways I feel secure, etc.

When you let go of the particulars and focus on the feelings, it brings the power back to you and gives you something you can do and can control.  When you set out to look for feelings of happiness, it is easier to feel happy then when you spend the whole day thinking about what your partner isn’t doing that you really want them to be doing. 

Spend this week feeling as much of the feelings you have written on your list and notice how you feel about yourself and your relationship.


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