I recently found myself being inordinately upset with my partner. My reaction was very strong, so I took the time to write about it and work my way through it.
What I found was that I was feeling very unloved, but it wasn’t because of anything my partner was or wasn’t doing, I felt unloved because of what I was doing to myself.
I had been beating myself up, judging myself harshly and generally mistreating myself with unkind words and thoughts. I had given these thoughts enough focus and energy overtime that they gained momentum and instead of just feeling crappy about myself, I started to think that other people (including and especially my partner) must be feeling that way about me too.
I started to look for evidence that he felt that way too. And while I’m sure it was never on his mind, I managed to find things and twist things in a way that would appear that he too, probably thought I wasn’t all that great.
This is an extremely painful thing to do. It’s painful enough just to fear we aren’t lovable but when we convince ourselves and think we’ve found evidence that others (especially our nearest and dearest) feel that way too, well, it takes it to a whole new level of pain.
Many people, including myself, believed the myth that I am only worthy of love if I do everything right to win and keep someone else’s love. I am hard on myself and often feel like I fall short. To think that my partner may feel that way confirms my deepest fear, that I may not be lovable. This is an extremely painful place to be.
And that’s where I was that day when I got upset about something that really wasn’t that big of a deal.
I knew I needed to get back on track and feel better, so I became more aware of my thoughts and when the negative ones started to creep in, I’d replace them with a thought about myself that felt better. I got back to writing positive things about myself on a daily basis and started to focus on the things that were good instead of the bad. I took the time to remember that I am lovable simply because I am me.
It was important for me to bring it back to myself to heal. These thoughts always start within and need to be healed within. Awareness, again, is always the key.