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I won’t be wearing a mask for Halloween this year.

Most of my life has been lived behind a mask. Who do you want me to be? What version of me is most pleasing to you? How do I act to be loved and accepted by you?

My trauma responses led me to believe the only way for me to be loved and accepted was to please others.

Be outgoing and vivacious for some, quiet and thoughtful for others. Be a leader when it suits, but for someone else; be quietly led. Keep big emotions in, keep unpleasant emotions in – people like it when you’re positive & happy. Whatever you do, don’t be too much of anything. Be the cool girl, be flexible and easy going – low maintenance. Take care of everyone else first, you’re needs aren’t as important and can wait or be put aside. Shine, but not too bright, and definitely don’t out-shine others. Be funny and fun, but not too much, and don’t laugh so loud, it’s garish.

I’ve tried to hide and adapt so much of myself over the years – a watered down version of who I really was inside. I wore different masks with people because I believed this was the only way I would ever be loved and accepted.

I am grateful this year to step out from behind all my masks. I’ve spent a lot of time connecting with who I really am and allowing me to be seen to without any filters.

Without the masks, I’m showing my true self now and you know what…I think it looks good on me.