12 days to go…

Only a dozen days until my 50th birthday and I wonder: “When will I feel like a grown up?”

Seriously. There have been many times when I’ve seen something and looked around wondering, “Geez, is there an adult around here to intervene?”

Then I realize, “Crap, I’m the adult!”

I wonder if my mom feels this way too? It’s too scary to ask. If she’s wondering where the adults are and so am I…who’s running this ship?

Maybe we need a right of passage? Not at 18. I didn’t know anything at 18. I know I wouldn’t have been ready in my 20s or 30s either. Maybe in my 40s?

I’ve raised children to the age of adulthood. I know they aren’t ready for me to pass the baton on to them. Thank goodness, because then I’d have to admit I don’t even have the baton.

Will this happen when I turn 50? Will I receive the magical wisdom of the universe on the day of my half century of life? Will I start to feel like a grown up then? Will I know there is a responsible adult in the room because I am in the room?

It’s doubtful. We’ll see.

3 Comments

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  1. When I turned 50, LJ, I had to re-learn how to play like a child in order to pursue my writing; although, I’ve never felt like an “old person” even now that I’m in my 60’s. There are people in their 20’s who already act like “old people” and they can’t wait to retire and sit in a lawn chair and do nothing. Doers tend to be active and “young” until their death. The one thing I can say about turning 50 is the realization that I no longer gave a sh*t about what people thought of me.

  2. I’m going with,”no probably not” -this from my looking back at 50.

  3. Hi Laura-Jeanne:

    I was 50 when I was diagnosed with cancer. Not the way I envisioned starting a new decade in my life. I was reaching the stage where I saw the end of the tunnel in child rearing. My youngest was 14 and in junior high. The oldest two were now out on their own. The third one was in his last year of high school. I was looking forward to having more time to myself and maybe explore something new. A few months before my diagnosis, my mother-in-law passed away from lung cancer. It had been a long 4 years caring for her. I was thinking of looking for a new part time job but my hubby generously insisted that I just take time to rest and do something for myself. While I was trying to figure that out, that was when the cancer trouble for me was discovered.

    When I came out of shock a bit from hearing the diagnosis, I started to explore alternative healing modalities. It was like a light bulb went on. I realized just how much I didn’t know and hadn’t learned about the world at large. I was so focused on raising the kids all this time that my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s had gone by in a blur. Even though the cancer surgeries and treatments were a long tough haul it turned out to be the biggest learning curve of my life and yes, I did feel more like a grownup after all of this.

    Now that I’m in my 60’s I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. It took 6 decades but better late than never I guess.

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