This is one of my favourite descriptions of a relationship, written by Kahlil Gibran in his book, “The Prophet.”
“Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone. Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”
I have only recently begun to understand this with my heart. In the past, fear prevented me from truly understanding what this meant. I was afraid I would never be good enough, afraid I wasn’t lovable, afraid I would be alone — and those fears ended up pushing real love farther and farther away from my reach.
I felt very dependent and needy in my past relationships. I wanted to please and do what I thought my partner would want me to do because I was scared that if I didn’t, he would leave. I tried to hang on to relationships with all my might, thinking that if I loosened my grip, I would lose it all. I was scared that if we were independent, we would not want to be together — or more accurately, he would not want to be with me. I believed that there needed to be a dependence on one another in order to make a relationship work. But, of course, hanging on too tightly and being too dependent on my partner was exactly what left me feeling unloved and all alone.
I realize now that what I felt in the past was not real love…it was based too deeply in fear to have been love. In order to feel real love, I needed to embrace everything I feared most and be willing to let it all go. When I let go of my fear I began to experience the power and strength of a relationship based in love. I realized a healthy relationship involved two individuals bringing their own lives and experiences to each other. It is about both people bringing their strengths and their love to one another allowing it to expand and grow. Releasing my fears allowed me to finally understand what Kahlil Gibran wrote about in “The Prophet” and it has given me the gift of being able to experience real love for myself.
Oh, this is beautiful, LJ. How I LOVED reading it. It may sound silly, but I feel a “congratulations!” is in order. And yes, I keep hearing “it’s time.”
*sigh* this makes me happy.
We agree with your post.
Romantic relationships are often a major cause of suffering.
But, in relationships, when there is suffering there cannot be true love:
true Love is Unconditional. Either Love is joy and happiness, or it is not
Unconditional Love. When there is suffering, it is the “love of the ego”. What we feel in our romantic relationships, that we believe is love, is actually a tangled web of projective mechanisms of the ego. The stronger the projection mechanism, the stronger the feelings of pain in the relationship become.
And when we let go of our projection mechanisms, we can achieve the Sacred Union through Unconditional
Love, in the joy of giving and receiving freely.
Beautifully written. Thank you so much for your contriution. I agree wholeheartedly.
Thank you so much, Kate! It’s time.
A very thought-provoking post LJ!
so how did you do it? Because I need to do this, as I have pushed love out of my life.
There are two things that have helped me.
First, I had to acknowledge the fear. If I pretend or an unable to name or own my fear, it continues and grows and becomes an entity all its own.
I was scared. I still feel scared sometimes. But when I feel that fear, I call it what it is. I say, “Hello fear, I see you are here with me.” It eases a little because I see it.
Second, I had to build myself up. If I didn’t feel worthy of love, if I didn’t believe I could have it — I wouldn’t. I pushed it away, I held it as something revered, something others enjoy but will never actually be mine. This is GARBAGE. This is fear talking. I deserve to love and be loved, so do you. We all do. But, I have to feel worthy of love, be willing to put myself out there and allow love into my life– I have to be willing to step into it and allow it to come to me. And the biggest part in all of that is seeing it in myself and believing good things about myself.
I have since realized I held a belief that I would never have the love I wanted. It was a lie. It was based on misinformation that I’ve used time and time again in my life to distort the truth and keep myself ‘safe’ from being hurt. All it did was lead to life of hurt and pain.
I had to start to believe in myself. I had to start to feel worthy of love. I had to build myself up (and still do sometimes).
We are going to get hurt in relationships — not intentionally, but it happens. But, the stronger we are and more steadfast in our self-worth — the easier it is to move out of fear and into love.
I hope that helps answer your question.