According to Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
But this is exactly what we do in our relationships. We have a fight, talk things out and vow to do things differently. We sometimes consult books or professionals to give us new tools, but we don’t ever seem to resolve anything completely and find ourselves back in the same place yet again.
Have you ever wondered why this is?
We simply aren’t addressing the real problem.
Something happens and we react to it. We were feeling okay, everything was fine, then our partner did something we don’t like and now we feel upset. It seems obvious that this happened because of what they did. And we now think they need to change what they are doing so we feel better.
But this is only the surface of what’s really going on.
Underneath that reaction, is our emotions. We feel angry, hurt, upset. But these feelings are still tied to the behaviour of our partner. We feel angry at them. We are hurt by what they did. We are upset about the way things are happening.
So we go underneath that layer of emotion to uncover what else we are feeling.
We find that maybe we feel we aren’t being heard, understood or honoured. We also may be feeling unloved or unlovable. And where this leads is to emotions related to our self-esteem and self worth; feelings of not being good enough, not worthy or deserving.
Whatever our partner did created a trigger for these deeper feelings. When we get down to what we are really feeling we can stop having the same arguments over and over, because it never was and never will be what it seemed like at first glance.
When we see the truth of what lies behind the argument, the argument stops and we can address what is really going on.
This awareness and accountabilty help stop the cycle of arguments and can lead to a very powerful experience in a relationship.
I was really struck by the first Einstein reference. Really powerful.
Thank you, Hillary. I’m glad it resonated with you!