laura-jeanne.com

A year ago, I was broken.

Still healing from 12.5 years of domestic abuse I was in the throes of a ridiculous legal battle with my abuser. After seeing more than 20 pieces of evidence of abuse filed against him, I thought he’d realize the harm he caused, be rational and come to an agreement. But abusers, including mine, are not rational.

He doubled down. The previous year, he fought to avoid paying me. When he saw the evidence, he spent most of the next year fighting to control me.

He tried to make me change my name (which is illegal), wanted to limit my freedom, insisted I be silent and never speak about my abuse, stop me from ever interacting with his family or going any place he didn’t want me to be.

Triggered by his familiar pattern of control and abuse, I swung into a debilitating cycle of PTSD.

I was struggling emotionally, mentally, and physically. Due to him having all the money (financial abuse) and dragging the legal process out, my family and I sank into poverty. I had to fire my lawyer and couldn’t retain a new one. I was overwhelmed navigating the complexities of the legal system to represent myself. We couldn’t afford our much-needed medical expenses.

I was hopeful when his lawyer scheduled a meeting to negotiate, then crushed when they cancelled the day before. My only option was to wait to appear at our scheduled pre-trial conference three months away, but I had no idea how we were going to live, buy food or pay bills until then.

Distraught, I called a distress line. The conversation helped but, I still needed community. Desperate for connection, I reached out and shared what was happening on Facebook.

These two actions were pivotal in my transformation.

Immediately people began reaching out to me with the most heartfelt messages of love and support and I felt the strength of my community.

But what impacted me most was 10 people chose to share privately their own terrible experiences divorcing an abuser in family court. I couldn’t believe how many people had experienced this kind of harm under the umbrella of “justice.”

I woke up and realized I would never get justice for the abuse he inflicted on me and my children. He would never be accountable, never apologize and the courts were never going to come close to righting this wrong.

I had to let go of my own case and find a way to make the legal system better for others coming behind me.

I reached out to government officials, have had meetings and conversations with MLA’s and Cabinet Ministers, I’ve partnered with a family court lawyer, engaged with law professors, judges, lawyers, mediators and survivors of abuse. At every level, people have agreed the system is failing. Based on these conversations and my mediation training I created a possible solution for consideration. I’ve offered to work with the department of justice to create a much-needed change in family court cases of domestic abuse.

I’ve become a mentor to other survivors of abuse, providing any support they need in their healing and in their legal battles against their abuser.

I’ve been actively writing and this summer pitched my book to an agent and am on my way to getting my book published.

I’m getting ready to launch my new website.

I’ve been giving speeches and presentations, I’ve been asked to educate at public events, and am currently writing another speech to present on coercive control.

I keep moving forward as an advocate, because so many survivors have said, “I’m so glad you’re doing this, because I couldn’t.”

The funny thing was – I was never going to speak about or make my story of abuse public. I just wanted my nightmare with him to end so I could live my life in peace. But in this process, the harder my abuser tried to limit my freedom, the more he tried to silence and attempt to control me, the more I needed to stand up and speak up. So I did.

I’m living my best life – seeing the impact I’m making in the world, pushing myself to be brave and engage in ways to bring about real change, and making incredible connections with others.

I’ve learned to balance my life – taking care of myself while I passionately help others.

I’m grateful to spend a lot of time in nature. I’m nourished with people I love. I thrive when I make time for my favorite activities, especially paddleboarding and spending time in the mountains. And the piece de resistance this year was treating myself to a once in a lifetime experience, seeing Billy Joel perform live in concert.

My heart is full of community and love, incredible synchronicities, connection, opportunities, and passion. If I could go back a year, I’d tell that woman to hold on, because she may feel broken, but she is about to turn her life upside down in the best way possible.

I’m excited to see where I go from here.