My Own False Protection

I vividly remember being in my car and realizing that I had just spent the past fifteen minutes being overly critical and judgmental about my partner.  I stopped at a traffic light and that seemed to stop my internal rant and jolt me into consciousness. I suddenly asked myself, “What is going on here?  Why am I judging my partner like this?”

The answer was simply.  I was fleeing. 

I knew that my judgement and criticism was unfounded.  It was made-up.  And because of that, it alerted me to the fact that something was up with me.

Something triggered my fear of not being good enough, not being lovable, not being worthy; I was running scared and I hadn’t realized it until that moment at the light.

Throughout my life, I have often run.  My own false protection has shown itself in my life in choosing people who weren’t really committed to me, pretending to be someone I wasn’t in an attempt to please, pushing people away with my anger and convincing myself that my partner wasn’t really all that great either.  (Allowing me to save face a little, in case they walk out on me). 

In my old way of thinking, my false protection kept me safe from being hurt by others.  But that was a lie.  In reality, this false protection has been keeping me from having the kind of relationship my heart has always wanted, it’s allowed me to play the victim many times over and it has been keeping me from feeling I am really lovable and worthy of love.

The one thing I want more than anything is to feel loved and accepted for who I am but instead of doing that, I have been keeping myself away from having that by being caught up in fear and pain and falsely protecting myself. 

The moment I became aware at that light that I was running, I stopped feeling the need to run.  I was able to see the situation more clearly.  I was able to acknowledge that I felt scared, but I was consciously choosing to be willing and push through the fear to get what I most want.

Every step forward, is a step forward.

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