I used to believe love was some sort of commodity. Not only did I think it was something that had to be acquired, I believed that someone else had control of it and it was my job to either do enough or be enough to get the love I wanted.
Living this way left me feeling unloved and unhappy. I felt like there was something wrong with me because when I did find love in someone else, it never seemed to be enough and it never seemed to last for long.
As long as I kept looking to someone else to feel loved, I kept feeling like I’d never be good enough. I tried to act the way I thought my partner wanted me to act. I tried to do things to please. Not only was it never enough, but it was constantly perpetuating the belief that I wasn’t good enough to have the kind of love I wanted in my life.
I can’t say what it was exactly that changed this for me. I suppose it had something to do with my years of personal growth, going through a divorce and realizing that something needed to change. The culmination of these things led me to become aware that my ability and capacity for love were not tied to someone else. It was all within me.
Yes, it is easier when my partner and I are in synch, getting along well and loving each other. And, because this was so deeply ingrained, there are still times when I think my partner needs to be doing more for me to feel better. But, I am getting better at catching myself before and during these times and re-directing my awareness and attention back to me, where I can actually make the changes necessary to feel what I most want to feel.
It is empowering to know I don’t have to rely on someone else to feel what I want to feel. It frees me in a way that I could have never imagined. And it helps our relationship because we stop trying to be or do or give what we think the other person wants and we are just free to be ourselves and love each other more freely.