We all want to be loved, especially in those times when we are struggling the most.
I remember a day, when I was really struggling and out of control with emotion. I was incredibly angry and hurt. I remember feeling like all I wanted was to be wrapped in my partners loving arms, be loved and told everything was going to be okay. I also realized that in my current state, the last thing my partner wanted to do was pull me close and love me. This realization stayed with me though.
I knew I couldn’t be the only one who wanted and needed to be loved in difficult times. The truth is, when I’m acting most unlovable, it’s only because I am hurting so deeply. We react and lash out and do things from that place of hurt and it makes it difficult for our partners to come close, but it is what we need most.
Then the opportunity for me to be on the other side appeared. My partner was having a rough time of things. It was one of the most difficult days. I felt helpless watching him and didn’t know what I could do. I initially reacted to things he was saying, but that was just escalating the situation. I realized there was only one thing to do. Love.
I loved him more in that moment than I ever had. I held him close, I let him know I was there…loving, supporting, caring.
It was a big turning point for me and for our relationship. I’ve had other opportunities, where I feel defensive or hurt or angry and I know I don’t really want to engage in an argument. I ask myself, “What do I do?” And the answer is always the same. “Love.”
It can be difficult to shift out of defensiveness and hurt and make the conscious choice to love, but every time I’ve done it, our relationship thrives. It is an incredibly powerful experience to love in times when loving is most difficult, but it is so worth the effort.
I wish you all unconditional love.
Oh, how TRUE this is!!! And you’re right ~ it’s so difficult! When I REALLY do it, though, it makes it so much better so much faster ~ so even if it doesn’t come naturally, I “pretend” until it does.
This morning I was bitching about everything because we woke up to snow (and I’m sooooo DONE with snow) and my dh got mad at me for being mad and yelled at me to stop. Did that work? NOPE! LOL! I told him “yelling at me to feel better doesn’t really work.” He got it and we started over. I really just wanted him to empathize with me with a “Yeah, honey, this sucks, but Spring will be here soon.” So many times he just needs from me a “Yeah, honey, this sucks” with a lot of love and cuddling. It really does make all the difference.
Thank you for sharing this, LJ!!!
Thanks for another great example of this, Kate. And you’re right, most of the time we do just want a “Yeah, honey, this sucks.” It makes it so much easier when we can be received this way by our partner. And yet, we have to be willing to do it ourselves. I love the example you shared and the fact that you were both able to start over!
And…I totally get you about the snow! I’m so over snow too!!