I used to get upset when I felt my partner wasn’t spending enough time with me and this became the source of many disagreements in our relationship.
On the surface, it looked simple: Problem: Not spending enough time together. Solution: Spend more time together.
Except it wasn’t that simple.
Underneath, there were other things going on for both of us. And I remember getting to a point where I finally asked myself, “Why does this bother me so much? What is this really about?”
The answer had many layers to it, including: beliefs about relationships, expectations, other people’s influences,and how I was feeling about myself at that time and they were all contributing to the issue. But what most of it boiled down to was the fact that I felt I just wasn’t quite good enough or as lovable as I wanted to be and I was looking to him (and him showing me by spending a lot of time with me) that I was good enough.
I was equating the time he was making for me and our relationship with the amount of love I felt I was worthy of receiving. I was wrapping my self-worth, my lovability and my happiness up in his behaviours…and that is just a recipe for trouble.
Since my discovery, spending time together is no longer an issue for us. If I feel myself starting to get upset or think about how much time we’ve been spending together, I catch myself and check in with how I’m feeling about myself and do what I can to get back on track.
It’s a work in progress for sure, but the more we are aware, the better it works. We’ve found it makes a world of difference in our relationship.