I used to put a lot of strain on our relationship because I held an expectation about how much time we should be spending together and the specific way that time together should look.
I cannot tell you how many times I felt hurt, rejected and angry because I counted the days on the calendar, felt like we should be seeing each other and started to make it a problem. I would tell myself that if he loved me enough, he would want to be with me and be with me in the same way that I wanted to be with him.
My expectation held my focus so narrowly that I wasn’t able to see reality. I missed the ways he was already loving me that were his ways of expressing love. I missed the fact that I could make an effort to be with him more often too.
I missed the fact that I was wrapping all of my self-worth and lovability up in his actions and making it almost impossible for him to meet my expectations.
The fact was, I didn’t feel good about myself at that time and the more I focused on my unmet expectations, the more it took me away from things that I needed to do to feel good. I kept spiralling downward and I felt I needed more and more reinforcement from him in order to feel better.
I identified my underlying needs…the need to feel lovable, loved, happy, fulfilled, honoured. I started to meet my needs myself and build my self-worth up by doing the exercises I described on Tuesday. I also focused on doing more of the things that nurture me most.
In a very short time, I stopped looking to see how many days it had been since we had been together or what we had done with the time we had just shared. I stopped looking at him to make me feel loved and feel good about myself. He started to relax and be more comfortable because I had removed the pressure. Our time together became much more enjoyable and our relationship strengthened.
I dropped my expectations and suddenly everything I felt I needed, was already there.