Expectations Example

I used to put a lot of strain on our relationship because I held an expectation about how much time we should  be spending together and the specific way that time together should look.

I cannot tell you how many times I felt hurt, rejected and angry because I counted the days on the calendar, felt like we should be seeing each other and started to make it a problem.  I would tell myself that if he loved me enough, he would want to be with me and be with me in the same way that I wanted to be with him.

My expectation held my focus so narrowly that I wasn’t able to see reality.  I missed the ways he was already loving me that were his ways of expressing love.  I missed the fact that I could make an effort to be with him more often too. 

I missed the fact that I was wrapping all of my self-worth and lovability up in his actions and making it almost impossible for him to meet my expectations.

 The fact was, I didn’t feel good about myself at that time and the more I focused on my unmet expectations, the more it took me away from things that I needed to do to feel good.  I kept spiralling downward and I felt I needed more and more reinforcement from him in order to feel better.

I identified my underlying needs…the need to feel lovable, loved, happy, fulfilled, honoured.  I started to meet my needs myself and build my self-worth up by doing the exercises I described on Tuesday.  I also focused on doing more of the things that nurture me most.

In a very short time, I stopped looking to see how many days it had been since we had been together or what we had done with the time we had just shared.  I stopped looking at him to make me feel loved and feel good about myself.  He started to relax and be more comfortable because I had removed the pressure.  Our time together became much more enjoyable and our relationship strengthened.

I dropped my expectations and suddenly everything I felt I needed, was already there.

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